My Review of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark

Dreck The Musical

Forget about the traumatic injuries, the sensational press coverage, the vicious rumors, etc. Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, currently previewing on Broadway, is still a theatrical mistake of epic proportions.

There are momentary flashes of visual brilliance (the opening 30 seconds; the 6 women on flowing silk swings flying out of the audience as they “weave” a wall of orange silk), but most of the show is confusing, disjointed and underwhelming.

For those of you waiting for the flying out over the audience sequences: be patient. The first flight is about an hour into the show. The flying is impressive by Broadway standards – this ain’t Mary Martin swinging like a pendulum across the stage in Peter Pan. However, if you’ve seen any Cirque de Soleil show, then you have seen better aerial gymnastics.

While occasionally the visuals were impressive, others were literally laughable. With 9 human actors playing Spiderman, was it necessary to resort to a two-foot tall doll as Spiderman # 10? And should Arachne be hanging over the open trap door of the stage long after she finished singing her Act Two song, only to be lowered slowly as she clutched two of her artificial spider legs close to her breast with her human arms?

Let’s talk about the basis for all this circus-like theatricality. The libretto and score for Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark are some of the most flawed pieces of writing I have seen presented by a professional theater. The songs are almost all in a similar pop-rock vein, barely distinguishable for each other. Many of the songs were rewarded with lackluster applause, particularly if the song contained no pyrotechnics, no flying, no costumes that look like rejects from the horrendous Flash Gordon film from about 30 years ago. One may also attribute this to the inaudible lyrics, the repetitive lyrics or the incomprehensible lyrics.

The script is written in a heavy-handed style that gives every word and every action a forced and phony feel, as you’d find in such 80’s sitcoms as Different Strokes or Facts Of Life. This is particularly true of the dialogue for the teenage “Geek Chorus.” It sounds like their lines were written by a middle aged man trying to make 4 teenagers sound funny, clever and hip, but instead made them sound like some 21st century “Stepford” child. Although the authors try to use this Geek Chorus (you know they are in the show because somebody said “What if instead of a Greek Chorus, we called them Geek Chorus!”) to fill in many of the gaping holes in the plot, these annoying “kids” only confuse the story more. Most of the dialogue is so clichéd and the jokes are so stale, you can say many of the lines along with the actors.

As a designer, Julie Taymor is a genius (as certified by the MacArthur Foundation). However, her direction falls short when dealing with simple scenes of honest emotion between two actors. This was the case with her mega-hit The Lion King, and it continues to be a problem with her direction of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark. Her skillful imagination caries over to her clever use of masks and puppetry, but there is no consistency to the style in her latest production. The audience was momentarily amused by the appearance of comic and artful designs of some of the minor characters and sea of “extras” throughout the show, but this style conflicted with the realistic designs of Peter Parker, Mary Jane, Aunt May and one or two other central characters. Another problem: I don’t believe Taymor has the skill set to deal with the troubles of developing an original musical. The Lion King was adapted from an established story with a partial score. So much original material has been wedged into this show that this creative should have brought an experienced Broadway musical book writer on board.

The earthbound choreography just seemed so silly most of the time – the dancing soldiers, the high school kids turning a laboratory into High School Musical, the uninspired strutting on the “ugly pageant” runway. And if the actors moved in slow motion one more time, I was going to let out a long, slow scream.

What Spiderman desperately needs is a top-notch script doctor. But with the press opening only 4 weeks away, they are quickly running out of time.

There are good performers on the Foxwoods Theater stage. Jennifer Diamano has a good voice and can sell a song. And Matthew James Thomas (Reeve Carney’s alternate) was likable, although his American accent occasionally belied his British background. Patrick Page plays Dr. Osborn with all the subtly of a silent movie villain, while his Green Goblin has all the bombastic qualities of Jack Nicholson’s Joker. The other performers try their futile best to project through the web of mediocrity that envelops this entire production.

There were as many children in this audience as you would see in The Lion King or Mary Poppins. I don’t believe the creators of this production ever thought parents would be dragging 6 year olds to this show. Impatient for the flying, the children grew bored by the complicated denseness of the story, the failed attempts at character delineation, or any scene that contained more than 5 lines of dialogue. Theatergoers young and old were dazed and befuddled as they left the theater. But they loved the 10 minutes of above the audience flying (out of a total running time of 2 hours and 40 minutes)!

To spend $65 million on this show – while good theater companies are folding all over the country for a lack of funding – is obscene. One can only hope that this show takes its rightful place as successor to Carrie, that abysmal flop of many years ago. “Not since Spiderman has there been a musical so ________ (fill in the blank)!”

Principal Crew and Cast

Directed by Julie Taymor
Choreography and Ariel Choreography by Daniel Ezralow
Book by Julie Taymor and Glen Berger
Music & Lyrics by Bono and The Edge
Scenic Design by George Tsypin
Costume Design by Eiko Ishioka
Lighting Design by Donald Holder
Sound Design by Jonathan Deans
Projection Design by Kyle Cooper
Mask Design by Julie Taymor
Hair Design by Campbell Young Associates and Luc Verschueren
Make-Up Design by Judy Chin
Projection Coordinator/Additional Content Design: Howard Werner

Matthew James Thomas (alternate for Reeve Carney) – Peter Parker/Spider-Man
T.V. Carpio – Arachne
Jennifer Damiano – Mary Jane Watson
Patrick Page – Norman Osborn/The Green Goblin

A synopsis of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark

On Saturday, February 8th, 2011, I saw the 2:00 pm matinee of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, currently in previews.  This is the story that unfolded in the next 2 hours and 45 minutes.

The show starts with two guitarists – who are stationed on the Stage Right Apron with an impressive array of at least half a dozen electric guitars at the ready – underscoring a very short prologue. After a flash of scenic magic where Spiderman is seen running in slow motion along the Brooklyn Bridge to reach the dangling Mary Jane Watson, a tattered comic book of a drop comes down and we meet The Geek Chorus – 4 contemporary high schoolers who seem to be creating a never-imagined-before Spiderman character themselves.  Or are they creating their own Spiderman story from their vast knowledge of Spiderman comics?  This is the first of a myriad of inconsistencies and contradictions.  When the lone female Geek mentions that long before Spiderman, Greek mythology had a female with spider qualities.  We then are told the story of Arachne and how the goddess Athena had it in for her.  What happened to Spiderman?  Finally we meet Peter Parker as he impresses his classics teacher (and none of his classmates) with his knowledge of the myth of Arachne.  Peter is beaten up after school in a dance number that is as threatening as the Barn Raising Dance from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  Meanwhile, our Geek Chorus has been sitting on the Stage Left apron, silently observe their story…for very long stretches at a time.

Mary Jane is finally introduced in the story so haphazardly you wouldn’t know it was her if you blinked.  But soon we get a peek at their lives at home in one of those “split screen” type of songs that Stephen Sondheim does so well.  Unfortunately, Bono and The Edge are no Stephen Sondheim.  The dynamics of these angst-ridden homes were obvious to anyone who has seen any dramatic “teen movie” since Rebel Without A Cause.  This extended musical sequence goes on long past the point of our caring anymore.

In the next scene Peter Parker goes on a high school field trip to a DNA lab owned by Dr. Osborn, where mad scientists meet the students from the New York Performing Arts High School in a big production number about the joys of genetic engineering.  And Peter is finally bitten by the spider!

Peter discovers his new powers in a song called Bouncing Off The Walls, and he does just that in a set that made me think of a rubber room in some Dr. Suess-designed asylum. Peter wrestles an inflatable doll to win $1000, but his victory is tainted by the death of his uncle, who is run over by a cardboard car.  Finally, after receiving his super hero outfit personally woven for him by the mythical (and maybe imaginary) Arachne, Spiderman and his EIGHT stunt doubles show his heroism by stopping a crime wave perpetrated by Characters of Julie Taymor Shows Past.  And we finally see someone flying out over the audience!

Now let’s change styles and bring in the comic relief character of the newspaper publisher, who is saddled with some of the un-funniest jokes ever heard.  As the newspaper begins a campaign to label Spiderman a menace, Peter Parker makes money by becoming Spiderman’s personal photographer.

Meanwhile, back at the DNA lab, Dr. Osborn is told he has lost his funding (and most of his staff) by 4 singing generals and their dancing troops. Finally Peter and Mary Jane (who both appear to have graduated from high school during the last 30 minutes), start to connect.  In another counterpoint song, Mary Jane and Peter dream of the future, while Dr. Osborn and his wife decide to fast track their genetically modified humans experiment with Dr. Osborn as guinea pig.  The experiment goes horribly awry, Emily Osborn dies and Dr. Osborn turns into The Grinch on steroids, aka The Green Goblin.

Next we return to the office of the newspaper publisher so that several reporters can tell the publisher – and the audience –  of the havoc The GG is wreaking on New York City.  We hear of his attacks, we hear of his heartless, murders of the former staff members of the DNA lab, the assassinations of the 4 generals, and the theft of a grand piano – all of which happen offstage.  What we do see is the grand piano, now situated near the top of the Chrysler building, where the GG shows how urbane and insane he is by singing of his crime spree in a parody version of “I’ll Take Manhattan” with Spiderman already tied up and unmasked at his feet.  How this happened I’m not sure, but maybe the reporters told the publisher – and therefore us, the audience – in the previous scene with all the other stuff that happened offstage.  However, the GG (who knows EVERYTHING about Peter Parker) has kidnapped Mary Jane and she hangs high above Manhattan from the Chrysler Building (but didn’t she started the show by hanging from the Brooklyn Bridge?).  When the GG fails to persuade PP to the dark side, our villain drops Mary Jane down the side of the building.  Suddenly a smaller version of the Chrysler Building appears upside down descending towards the stage as a 9^th Spiderman stunt double – this one a two foot tall Spiderman doll – plummets UP the side of the building to save the little Mary Jane doll from ascending into the fly space above the stage.  After the audience finished giggling, two long thin set pieces appear thrusting from the back wall of the stage towards the audience.  The upper piece is yet another view of the Chrysler Tower, the bottom piece is a generic skyscraper.  Between them cutout taxis light up and travel down the avenue between the two buildings, giving us a bird’s eye view of the battle between Spiderman and The GG.

And for the second time during the show, there is flying out over the audience!

During this “battle” Spiderman and The GG fly about the auditorium, landing on platforms in the balconies or bungee-jumping down into the aisles of the orchestra.  Finally The GG falls to his death with a comic splat and Spiderman lowers Mary Jane to safety.

And that is the End of Act One.

The Geek Chorus returns as Act Two opens to figure out what to do now that The GG is dead.  Since each has their own favorite villains from the Spiderman comic books (or are they inventing these villains themselves), they decide to hold an “ugly pageant” of villains in the most tedious second act opening number ever written.  These six villains then attack our fair city, and Spiderman saves the day every time and destroys all of them.

The Geek Chorus must figure out what the next plot twist in the story will be.  So they decide to make Arachne real, but still allow her to appear in Peter Parker’s dreams during a flying pas de deux the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Margot Kidder spokesang “Can You Read My Mind” to Christopher Reeve in the Superman movie.  This drives Peter to distraction, and he tosses his Spiderman suit into the trash that is then picked out by a homeless man.  Taking offense at this re-gifting of her present and abandoning the Spider powers she gave him (but it was a much smaller spider that bit him), Arachne decides in song she will take her revenge on Spiderman, accompanied by six male spider backup dancers.

Meanwhile, relieved of his Spiderman duties, Peter Parker is getting better grades at Columbia, paying more attention to his widowed aunt, and spending quality time with Mary Jane.  As they dance in a disco, the power goes out all over the city.  And one a wall of video filling the stage, who should return but the late, lamented Green Goblin.

We return to the newspaper offices so the reporters may tell the publisher – and therefore us – all the terrible things happening just offstage during the blackout, including the robbery of over 50 shoe stores. (Hint: remember the shoes!)  The reporters are getting their information from television broadcasts, radio reports, even the Times Square teletype display – all functioning during this citywide blackout.  They bring in a television – working through some electromagnetic pulse as the reporters explain – and we see the Green Goblin who threatens destruction of the entire city with the help of the 6 ugly pageant contestants…who were either dreamt up by our Geek Chorus or are dead or both.  Three heavily costumed characters then appear downstage left and sing a song about the Sinister Six (or is it Seven).  These three singers stand perfectly still as the video screens are filled with animated versions of the villains who we just saw in person a few songs earlier.

Now who should pop up again but Arachne.  This time she is backed up by FEMALE spider dancers, who are also the shoe store robbers.  It seems that if Arachne puts 5 inch spike heeled shoes on each of her 8 feet, she will turn back into a human.  (If only she knew that 2500 years ago when Athena first turned her into a spider!)

Meanwhile, Peter asks Mary Jane to marry him while suspended from a fire escape set piece flown in from above.

Arachne then uses her feminine charms on the newspaper publisher to convince Spiderman to return to save the city from the Sinister Six (or is it Seven).

With the city still in a black out and shoe stores being callously stripped of their stock, Peter realizes he must turn his back on Mary Jane’s love and don the Spiderman suit once more.  Then Mary Jane is abducted by…well, I’m not sure who abducted her.  All of New York City is ablaze, so Peter sings a song about the heavy responsibility of being Spiderman while running very quickly on a treadmill as all 8 of his stunt doubles dance in slow motion behind him.  And guess what we now see…the opening tableau on the Brooklyn Bridge!  But it doesn’t quite resolve.  Then who appears again but Arachne!

Arachne – who by the way is a spider again – returns with a large fishnet strung across the stage, luring Peter into her web of intrigue.  Peter learns that all of Act Two’s destruction – the Sinister Six, the resurrection of The Green Goblin, the burning of Atlanta – I mean, New York City – was (in her own words, well actually lyrics) “an illusion.”  However, one thing is real.  Mary Jane is now suspending in a suffocating cocoon, and will die because only then will Arachne be able to have Spiderman as her consort, her mate, her equal to live with her in the astral plane.  Peter proposes that, if Arachne spare Mary Jane’s life, he will freely turn his back on Mary Jane and New York City and retire to the astral plane with Arachne.

With this one sentence, Peter opens Arachne’s eyes to the fact that under such conditions he will never truly be hers.  In two sentences, she not only comes to this conclusion, but decides to quietly and immediately stop her reign of terror.  Peter Parker kisses Arachne on the forehead.  She then sinks into the floor, there reappears immediately as a human being to ascend into the heavens. (Athena apparently has gotten over her 2500-year-old grudge.  See Bulfinch’s Mythology for the full backstory on Arachne and Athena.)  Peter and Mary Jane embrace.  Because he is wearing part of the Spiderman costume, Mary Jane instantaneously figures out his secret identity, smiles her acceptance of his other job, Peter Parker strikes a Spiderman pose and in less than two minutes, the story is resolved and ended as a show curtain adorned with Spiderman (whihc is available in the lobby as a $40 T-shirt) flutters down into place.

And no one flies out over the audience during the finale or the curtain call!

This is the show I saw on January 8, 2011.  It will be interesting to see what (if anything) changes by the press opening currently scheduled for February 7th.

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